The pattern is based off this one here https://sites.google.com/site/shewhorunsintheforest/0011
25.6.13
Lined
26.4.13
Gas
It's all inside. The gas was pumped in so they could see clearly. But I think they forgot to get it all out. It's stuck. The gas feels as if there is a balloon just sitting still in my body. Which wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that it hurts. It hurts worse than I don't know what. Painful. Usually I can rub the area that feels gassy, but I can rub on the incision! Ouch. Even movement is good for gas, except there is an incision that will hurt.
10.4.13
Cry
"Rejoice in The Lord always and again I say Rejoice."
Life would be so much easier if it was easier. But, I am called to suffer. I'm called to keep a crook, or thorn in my side. I'm learning to accept this lot I've been given. Even writing those words make me cry. I'm not ready to accept this. LORD I'm too weak for this. This is given to a stronger believer. I'm not ready for this. I just accepted my role as a white mom with a black son. Hard as it will be later, I love that boy more than I knew possible.
I'm called to suffer. For the sake of the Cross and Christ. How can chronic pain glorify God? I surely don't know the answer to that. But I'm not in charge. God is. God sees the big picture. I see a moment in my vapor of a life. Recently i heard a speaker/pastor say that we fail to see the Value of what The Lord is doing in our own life right now, and that Christ s mission is Not to relieve the difficulty, He is on mission to redeem.
I must need more redemption. I need reconciliation. With Christ, with my husband, with friends, with family.
Life would be so much easier if it was easier. But, I am called to suffer. I'm called to keep a crook, or thorn in my side. I'm learning to accept this lot I've been given. Even writing those words make me cry. I'm not ready to accept this. LORD I'm too weak for this. This is given to a stronger believer. I'm not ready for this. I just accepted my role as a white mom with a black son. Hard as it will be later, I love that boy more than I knew possible.
I'm called to suffer. For the sake of the Cross and Christ. How can chronic pain glorify God? I surely don't know the answer to that. But I'm not in charge. God is. God sees the big picture. I see a moment in my vapor of a life. Recently i heard a speaker/pastor say that we fail to see the Value of what The Lord is doing in our own life right now, and that Christ s mission is Not to relieve the difficulty, He is on mission to redeem.
I must need more redemption. I need reconciliation. With Christ, with my husband, with friends, with family.
Broke
I'm broken hearted. I'm emotional. I feel as though I've been through a death of a friend. Maybe it's the death of a friendship. It's not what I want. I'm hurt. I'm selfish, prideful, jealous, bitter and resentful. I want to throw in the towel and be done. I also want grace & love to cover the multitudes of sins.
I want this heart to heal. I don't want to be broken anymore. I'm more broken than I even know. It's not fair to my husband. He hurts for me. He hurts in other ways too. I don't want to confess my ugly heart sins. I don't want to have the ugly heart sins. I would love to respond in a way more gracious and glorifying than this.
My heart aches. But my heart is being lift up by others. Not where I thought it should come from. But I'm thankful for that.
I am so thankful and need to be more thankful. I'm loved, just in ways and by those who I didn't expect. But isn't that how God chooses thing to go? When I'm weak, He is strong. I must be brought low in order for Him to be glorified. Otherwise I could take the credit. I'm not credit worthy. I didn't do this. I'm mourning when I should be rejoicing.
I want this heart to heal. I don't want to be broken anymore. I'm more broken than I even know. It's not fair to my husband. He hurts for me. He hurts in other ways too. I don't want to confess my ugly heart sins. I don't want to have the ugly heart sins. I would love to respond in a way more gracious and glorifying than this.
My heart aches. But my heart is being lift up by others. Not where I thought it should come from. But I'm thankful for that.
I am so thankful and need to be more thankful. I'm loved, just in ways and by those who I didn't expect. But isn't that how God chooses thing to go? When I'm weak, He is strong. I must be brought low in order for Him to be glorified. Otherwise I could take the credit. I'm not credit worthy. I didn't do this. I'm mourning when I should be rejoicing.
9.4.13
Feel
My heart broke. It wasn't anything some one did, it was what they didn't do. Silence filled the room. No offers for help. I was asking for help. My guard was up. I couldn't tell them how hurt I felt. The feeling continues throughout the night. Until it was done. I left more broken than when I arrived. What's wrong with this? What's wrong with me?
I know what's wrong with me. My heart is selfish. My heart wants to be worshiped, more than it wants other to worship God. My God how sinful am I? I am the other thief. Not the on who was justified. The other one. Unbelieving, self righteous know it all, that doesn't need anything from anyone. Until I want something from someone. Then I expect the impossible. I expect them to read my mind. To know how I feel. To know that those kinds of comments hurt.
How should I speak? How can I be more clear without being bluntly rude? I'm not sure. I'm not good with my words. I fake a smile rather than confront.
What's wrong with this? That I don't know. I know I don't feel safe anymore. Am I supposed to feel safe? I don't know. I feel broken, hurt, and weak.
I know what's wrong with me. My heart is selfish. My heart wants to be worshiped, more than it wants other to worship God. My God how sinful am I? I am the other thief. Not the on who was justified. The other one. Unbelieving, self righteous know it all, that doesn't need anything from anyone. Until I want something from someone. Then I expect the impossible. I expect them to read my mind. To know how I feel. To know that those kinds of comments hurt.
How should I speak? How can I be more clear without being bluntly rude? I'm not sure. I'm not good with my words. I fake a smile rather than confront.
What's wrong with this? That I don't know. I know I don't feel safe anymore. Am I supposed to feel safe? I don't know. I feel broken, hurt, and weak.
21.3.13
Lost
Not the tv show LOST, the feeling. I might be just as confused as the ending of said show. My heart aches. I try to do much, and rely on the wrong things. My strength comes from The Lord, but it's hard to put everything out there. I'm taught to be self sufficient. That never turns out well. I've attempted to rely on others help and they fail. I'm not sure how I've made the decisions to reach out horizontally and know it will fail, when I know a vertical reach always leads me perfectly. I'm not ashamed of the friendships that I've made, but I am frustrated with them. I miss the old solid friendships that cost more gas. No really it's a money thing. I have tried to put myself out there for others and I can't not do that, but I must guard my heart. The lostness that I feel is more associated with an unreachable expectation I place on these others. They will never hold up to the bond created years ago. The timing is off, but mostly it's a personality glitch. It's just not a lost and found anymore. I'm lost, but I don't need to be found, I need a friend to be lost with me.
16.3.13
Trust
How amazing that Hannah was so courageous. She not only prayed so long for a child, she endured ridicule. She was provoked, but not to anger, to trust in The Lord! How amazing!!!
She could have isolated herself and stayed home from the temple because of the heartache that it always brought. But no! She faced the gloating, the painful reminders that she was barren. She humbled herself and trusted The Lord. Jennifer Carter in her book, Women of Courage, calls Hannah a model of self control. She never justified actions of resentment or bitterness. With her circumstances most women I know would be depressed, bitter, and find comfort in things of this world. Hannah instead, poured herself out to The Lord in humble supplication. Year after year she came to The Lord in the temple and wept. She asked The Lord to open her womb. But her reason for asking for a child wasn't to say I told you so, or to be prideful. She gave the child she longed for back to The Lord. Just like Abraham, she was willing to sacrifice her one worldly desire. Her firstborn son, her only son.
God takes her son Samuel, and because of Hannah's faith, blessed him and others around him.
The Lord is faithful to provide everything that we need when we need it. We just need to trust. Trust in The Lord's goodness, grace, mercy and His plan.
She could have isolated herself and stayed home from the temple because of the heartache that it always brought. But no! She faced the gloating, the painful reminders that she was barren. She humbled herself and trusted The Lord. Jennifer Carter in her book, Women of Courage, calls Hannah a model of self control. She never justified actions of resentment or bitterness. With her circumstances most women I know would be depressed, bitter, and find comfort in things of this world. Hannah instead, poured herself out to The Lord in humble supplication. Year after year she came to The Lord in the temple and wept. She asked The Lord to open her womb. But her reason for asking for a child wasn't to say I told you so, or to be prideful. She gave the child she longed for back to The Lord. Just like Abraham, she was willing to sacrifice her one worldly desire. Her firstborn son, her only son.
God takes her son Samuel, and because of Hannah's faith, blessed him and others around him.
The Lord is faithful to provide everything that we need when we need it. We just need to trust. Trust in The Lord's goodness, grace, mercy and His plan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)