The length of time I've had this feels like forever. It's only been a few months of constant issue, but still; forever.
It's now considered chronic. Really? I thought only old people had chronic stuff. I'm not yet 30 and I've had to take, old man pills and old woman cream. You would think I was 65!! But alas, no I'm not yet 30. I have 3 small children to care for in addition to my husband. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. He is understanding, patient, kind, helpful. Not always perfectly, but he is wonderful.
I wish I could say I was persevering through this with a happy serving heart. I wish I could say I wasn't selfish most of the time. I wish I could say I poured into my kids all the strength I have.
I am a flawed pitiful sinner. I am selfish. I love myself. Why? I'm such a awful person. I wouldn't like me if I knew me. So why do I love myself so? Because I am me and I'm a big nasty sinner.
I am covered in blood washed linen. I'm enveloped in a flood of grace. Christ is my focus (not perfectly). Christ's strength fights for me. I am pursued by Love. I'm forgiven much. I'm forgiven ALL. I'm rescued from ME.
The length of time I have to endure this? I don't know. But I do know God that will carry me through anything. He will refine me into the person he wants me to be. The person I am made to become. ME. As long as that takes. It might take my whole life.
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Waiting. Show all posts
10.3.13
31.12.12
Last
Last post for this year. Last fast food for the year. Last football game for the year. Good thing don't always last. But sometimes they do last. Sometimes things last longer than you expect. Good, bad, mundane. The good things? Are still good. The bad things? Some are still bad, and some have turned really good.
Conversations have produced great things. Will those things last? I hope so. I pray they last and flourish more than I can imagine. Only God knows how He will use those conversations. Talking I like. Waiting? Not so much. Although, waiting two years wasn't that bad looking back. In the midst of waiting, it's so so awful. But looking back from the other side of the wait, it looks better than it probably was.
The last thing? Pray. Pray. Pray.
God help me. A sinner. A lazy sinner. Leave my weak moments in the past and give me the strength to move beyond. Life I pray for my eyes to fixed upon the Ever.Last.ing. The First and the Last. Praise The Lord O my soul. Give me songs to teach my children. Bless them in despite my shortfalls. Bless my husband even in my weakness of emotion. Praise The Lord for His Providence and Provision.
Conversations have produced great things. Will those things last? I hope so. I pray they last and flourish more than I can imagine. Only God knows how He will use those conversations. Talking I like. Waiting? Not so much. Although, waiting two years wasn't that bad looking back. In the midst of waiting, it's so so awful. But looking back from the other side of the wait, it looks better than it probably was.
The last thing? Pray. Pray. Pray.
God help me. A sinner. A lazy sinner. Leave my weak moments in the past and give me the strength to move beyond. Life I pray for my eyes to fixed upon the Ever.Last.ing. The First and the Last. Praise The Lord O my soul. Give me songs to teach my children. Bless them in despite my shortfalls. Bless my husband even in my weakness of emotion. Praise The Lord for His Providence and Provision.
24.10.11
T4A
I enjoyed the T4A conference more than I can express right now. I am still processing all that I learned. Main things I learned? Gospel. Keep motivations in check. Submission. Grace. There is an orphan crisis, and it is HUGE.
Its so easy to just watch the precious adoption videos and say, "wow, that is such a sweet thing to do. Let's adopt. It looks like such a blessing." When we need a reality check. That is a video. A temporary suspension of disbelief. The words they say are much more pregnant than they appear. "it was a struggle to have to leave our son in that orphanage." cue sad kind of music. Struggle? hmm.. lets camp out on that word.
Struggle. This little word could mean, many days of heartache. Many tears. Many unspoken words. Emotions running wild. Stress on a marriage. Depression... But all we hear is that one sentence, and see the beautiful family playing together. Happily playing together.
Reality check. The real world is the glorious story of adoption by God. God made man for himself. We are his possession. What is Gods understanding of adoption? It the story of the Bible.
What is my motivation for adopting? Wow, really? That's the question of the day? I haven't quite processed that one just yet. I will need to come back to that.
Pray. Pray without ceasing. Pray in everything. James 5 tells us that God answers prayer. Pray with boldness. Pray specifically asking for those things you want. God's Will will be done. Might not be what you asked for, but His will is going to be done.
What then? after my reality check and praying boldly Whats next. Seek wise counsel. Ever wonder why this is? I never thought about it. When we are praying, we are seeking God's counsel. But He is not gonna give us a talking bush on fire. (I wish) Seek others around you. Those who have been through these types of issues. Even if you know what they are gonna say. But then also ask yourself, who am I avoiding? Huh? Avoiding. Who do I not want to ask their advice because I know its gonna conflict with my hopes. If we avoid some people to seek advice from, we might be blinding ourselves. Our vision has already been clouded by the Fall. Seek counsel.
Patience. Must be Patient. Pray. Seek counsel and wait.
Its so easy to just watch the precious adoption videos and say, "wow, that is such a sweet thing to do. Let's adopt. It looks like such a blessing." When we need a reality check. That is a video. A temporary suspension of disbelief. The words they say are much more pregnant than they appear. "it was a struggle to have to leave our son in that orphanage." cue sad kind of music. Struggle? hmm.. lets camp out on that word.
Struggle. This little word could mean, many days of heartache. Many tears. Many unspoken words. Emotions running wild. Stress on a marriage. Depression... But all we hear is that one sentence, and see the beautiful family playing together. Happily playing together.
Reality check. The real world is the glorious story of adoption by God. God made man for himself. We are his possession. What is Gods understanding of adoption? It the story of the Bible.
What is my motivation for adopting? Wow, really? That's the question of the day? I haven't quite processed that one just yet. I will need to come back to that.
Pray. Pray without ceasing. Pray in everything. James 5 tells us that God answers prayer. Pray with boldness. Pray specifically asking for those things you want. God's Will will be done. Might not be what you asked for, but His will is going to be done.
What then? after my reality check and praying boldly Whats next. Seek wise counsel. Ever wonder why this is? I never thought about it. When we are praying, we are seeking God's counsel. But He is not gonna give us a talking bush on fire. (I wish) Seek others around you. Those who have been through these types of issues. Even if you know what they are gonna say. But then also ask yourself, who am I avoiding? Huh? Avoiding. Who do I not want to ask their advice because I know its gonna conflict with my hopes. If we avoid some people to seek advice from, we might be blinding ourselves. Our vision has already been clouded by the Fall. Seek counsel.
Patience. Must be Patient. Pray. Seek counsel and wait.
5.10.11
Be Strong
Seeing others loving and living the promise sometimes hurts. I am in love with Adoption. But God's timing for our next child to come home is really not what I was expecting. My heart aches to hold him/her. My emotions run wild when I peer into the lives of others completing their families.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD.
5.3.11
Talk
When do you know that the door is closing? When your heart is heavy laden, how does one sort through it all? I have a somber stillness when I think on these things. Talking helps, but that doesn't always come out the way you want. Writing might help. We'll see.
Talk of the degradation of things meant for good, hovers over head. I want to believe that there are false reports out there and that is the information we are receiving. But I know that people are sinners and choose to do bad things all the time. I look at my own heart and see the brokenness. Is this a problem? Yes. no. I'm not sure.
We know that things can go wrong. What is our hearts desire? Whats a better question is What is God's will and desire for us? Are we to be homely or are we to be jet setters? Then after the individual conclusions, we must come together as one.
What is the purpose of the recent events in our life in regards to our current situations. We have enjoyed the abounding blessings from our diligence. I pray we will continue to be diligent.
Talk of the degradation of things meant for good, hovers over head. I want to believe that there are false reports out there and that is the information we are receiving. But I know that people are sinners and choose to do bad things all the time. I look at my own heart and see the brokenness. Is this a problem? Yes. no. I'm not sure.
We know that things can go wrong. What is our hearts desire? Whats a better question is What is God's will and desire for us? Are we to be homely or are we to be jet setters? Then after the individual conclusions, we must come together as one.
What is the purpose of the recent events in our life in regards to our current situations. We have enjoyed the abounding blessings from our diligence. I pray we will continue to be diligent.
22.2.11
Move
The prospect of a big move. The things that cross your mind get jumbled into stress. Boxes, cost of living, the dog, language barrier? This is such a happy event to think about. I am actually super excited to just purge a lot of things out of my house. I purged a lot moving locally, but internationally? I can justify throwing out more and more things. I feel like a grandma ready to start giving things away before she kicks the bucket! I know, I am coming back, and coming back to the same house. But it doesn't make it any easier, or harder for that matter.
14.2.11
Black
In the past I have made fun of people who wear black nail polish. But now, lo and behold it is shamelessly on my fingers. Though in a more subtle, and fun way. OPI has a "Katy Perry" Collection and it has what is called "Black Shatter." Let me just say how stinkin AWESOME it is. I patiently await the first layer of polish to dry, then slowly apply the shatter coating and watch each individual nail as the coolness just appears! I love it. Crazy how one little subtle change can make me so excited.
1.8.10
Time
When enough time passes we can say it is enough. But how much is enough? When do you know when to say those words? Time is such a valuable commodity, I am not sure any of us really understands its vitality. Time heals, time is fast, time is slow, time is a father, time is an enemy or a friend. What else can time do?
But does time really heal? Or is it that so many things have happens since then that we forget the first item of business? Does our mind fill our files with so much other stuff that we "forget" what the problem was in the first place, and we commend time for doing the task our mind actually accomplished? Time to me is a roller coaster of life. It has its ups and it has its downs, and it really goes round and round. No really it does. If you look at a clock long enough you might get dizzy. But could you actually get dizzy from a slow moving object such as Big Ben?
Well, back to the point. Time as a healer. The healing qualities of time are not so healing as they are masking, or diminishing the pain. When my Brother died, it was a great sharp piercing pain in those first few hours of that December morning. But over the next few days, time raced on and on with things to do and take care of. And during that racing time, the pain was numbed. Time did not heal that pain, it was a pain killer for the moment. Then as time slowed down, the pain got stronger and came back with a vengeance, or maybe like that hangover headache. And now as almost 11 years have passed, the pain is linked to songs, smells, places and memories. The pain is still here. Time has not healed the pain, so I repeat, does time really Heal? In my experience No. Time is such a friend, and time is such an alcoholic drink to numb the pains of life. Has enough time passed to say anything?
But does time really heal? Or is it that so many things have happens since then that we forget the first item of business? Does our mind fill our files with so much other stuff that we "forget" what the problem was in the first place, and we commend time for doing the task our mind actually accomplished? Time to me is a roller coaster of life. It has its ups and it has its downs, and it really goes round and round. No really it does. If you look at a clock long enough you might get dizzy. But could you actually get dizzy from a slow moving object such as Big Ben?
Well, back to the point. Time as a healer. The healing qualities of time are not so healing as they are masking, or diminishing the pain. When my Brother died, it was a great sharp piercing pain in those first few hours of that December morning. But over the next few days, time raced on and on with things to do and take care of. And during that racing time, the pain was numbed. Time did not heal that pain, it was a pain killer for the moment. Then as time slowed down, the pain got stronger and came back with a vengeance, or maybe like that hangover headache. And now as almost 11 years have passed, the pain is linked to songs, smells, places and memories. The pain is still here. Time has not healed the pain, so I repeat, does time really Heal? In my experience No. Time is such a friend, and time is such an alcoholic drink to numb the pains of life. Has enough time passed to say anything?
29.7.10
Now is the time to Wait for the answers
How many times do we make our own plans and then something changes and your not sure they are God's plans for us? We are at a crossroads, and I don't know which way is the right way? I feel like weeping for my children I have not yet met. Do we change agencies? Do we change countries? How does this all work out in the end?? I want to be 10 years older and look back and tell my past self which way is the best path to take, it doesn't have to be the easiest, just the best. Heartache fills my body, but God's grace is sufficient. As long as I can hold fast and tight to that, I will be okay.
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