Lost

Not the tv show LOST, the feeling. I might be just as confused as the ending of said show. My heart aches. I try to do much, and rely on the wrong things. My strength comes from The Lord, but it's hard to put everything out there. I'm taught to be self sufficient. That never turns out well. I've attempted to rely on others help and they fail. I'm not sure how I've made the decisions to reach out horizontally and know it will fail, when I know a vertical reach always leads me perfectly. I'm not ashamed of the friendships that I've made, but I am frustrated with them. I miss the old solid friendships that cost more gas. No really it's a money thing. I have tried to put myself out there for others and I can't not do that, but I must guard my heart. The lostness that I feel is more associated with an unreachable expectation I place on these others. They will never hold up to the bond created years ago. The timing is off, but mostly it's a personality glitch. It's just not a lost and found anymore. I'm lost, but I don't need to be found, I need a friend to be lost with me.

Trust

How amazing that Hannah was so courageous. She not only prayed so long for a child, she endured ridicule. She was provoked, but not to anger, to trust in The Lord! How amazing!!!
She could have isolated herself and stayed home from the temple because of the heartache that it always brought. But no! She faced the gloating, the painful reminders that she was barren. She humbled herself and trusted The Lord. Jennifer Carter in her book, Women of Courage, calls Hannah a model of self control. She never justified actions of resentment or bitterness. With her circumstances most women I know would be depressed, bitter, and find comfort in things of this world. Hannah instead, poured herself out to The Lord in humble supplication. Year after year she came to The Lord in the temple and wept. She asked The Lord to open her womb. But her reason for asking for a child wasn't to say I told you so, or to be prideful. She gave the child she longed for back to The Lord. Just like Abraham, she was willing to sacrifice her one worldly desire. Her firstborn son, her only son.
God takes her son Samuel, and because of Hannah's faith, blessed him and others around him.
The Lord is faithful to provide everything that we need when we need it. We just need to trust. Trust in The Lord's goodness, grace, mercy and His plan.

Length

The length of time I've had this feels like forever. It's only been a few months of constant issue, but still; forever.
It's now considered chronic. Really? I thought only old people had chronic stuff. I'm not yet 30 and I've had to take, old man pills and old woman cream. You would think I was 65!! But alas, no I'm not yet 30. I have 3 small children to care for in addition to my husband. I am so incredibly thankful for my husband. He is understanding, patient, kind, helpful. Not always perfectly, but he is wonderful.
I wish I could say I was persevering through this with a happy serving heart. I wish I could say I wasn't selfish most of the time. I wish I could say I poured into my kids all the strength I have.
I am a flawed pitiful sinner. I am selfish. I love myself. Why? I'm such a awful person. I wouldn't like me if I knew me. So why do I love myself so? Because I am me and I'm a big nasty sinner.
I am covered in blood washed linen. I'm enveloped in a flood of grace. Christ is my focus (not perfectly). Christ's strength fights for me. I am pursued by Love. I'm forgiven much. I'm forgiven ALL. I'm rescued from ME.
The length of time I have to endure this? I don't know. But I do know God that will carry me through anything. He will refine me into the person he wants me to be. The person I am made to become. ME. As long as that takes. It might take my whole life.