Focus

How do I make a change? I mean a real lasting change. Not a New Year's resolution. I think I might be diving into a depression again, but not sure of the cause. Sleeping for most of a day without being physically ill; that's not normal. 

So I have a newborn who wakes me up one or two times  night, but that doesn't really explain the exhaustion I felt. Feeling as though I couldn't close my eyes or I would be asleep. And no amount of coffee helped. So I think I need a change of some sort. 

I need to be less lazy, more productive and better motivated. So how do I start? What does it mean to me to be less lazy and more productive?  Here are a few things I desire for my life on a weekly basis. 

1. Play games with my children

2. Actually do excersice 

3. Keep the laundry under control

4. Read more

5. Cook more and healthier 

That's all. That's what I desire. That's not hard right? For whatever reason, it's been hard for me to be motivated to do these things on a consistent schedule.

Here I am writing these desires down in hopes of being reminded of my goals. And having a clear list should keep my focus on these things and not on the distractions that keep me busy. 

Lined

I've known for a while that I'm sorta kinda just a little bit hippie. But now I might be closer to being a hippie. Yup. I've made my own homemade liners. Those kind of liners. Totally stoked about em too. 

The pattern is based off this one here https://sites.google.com/site/shewhorunsintheforest/0011 

Gas

It's all inside. The gas was pumped in so they could see clearly. But I think they forgot to get it all out. It's stuck. The gas feels as if there is a balloon just sitting still in my body. Which wouldn't be a big deal except for the fact that it hurts. It hurts worse than I don't know what. Painful. Usually I can rub the area that feels gassy, but I can rub on the incision! Ouch. Even movement is good for gas, except there is an incision that will hurt.

Cry

"Rejoice in The Lord always and again I say Rejoice."
Life would be so much easier if it was easier. But, I am called to suffer. I'm called to keep a crook, or thorn in my side. I'm learning to accept this lot I've been given. Even writing those words make me cry. I'm not ready to accept this. LORD I'm too weak for this. This is given to a stronger believer. I'm not ready for this. I just accepted my role as a white mom with a black son. Hard as it will be later, I love that boy more than I knew possible.
I'm called to suffer. For the sake of the Cross and Christ. How can chronic pain glorify God? I surely don't know the answer to that. But I'm not in charge. God is. God sees the big picture. I see a moment in my vapor of a life. Recently i heard a speaker/pastor say that we fail to see the Value of what The Lord is doing in our own life right now, and that Christ s mission is Not to relieve the difficulty, He is on mission to redeem.
I must need more redemption. I need reconciliation. With Christ, with my husband, with friends, with family.

Broke

I'm broken hearted. I'm emotional. I feel as though I've been through a death of a friend. Maybe it's the death of a friendship. It's not what I want. I'm hurt. I'm selfish, prideful, jealous, bitter and resentful. I want to throw in the towel and be done. I also want grace & love to cover the multitudes of sins.
I want this heart to heal. I don't want to be broken anymore. I'm more broken than I even know. It's not fair to my husband. He hurts for me. He hurts in other ways too. I don't want to confess my ugly heart sins. I don't want to have the ugly heart sins. I would love to respond in a way more gracious and glorifying than this.
My heart aches. But my heart is being lift up by others. Not where I thought it should come from. But I'm thankful for that.
I am so thankful and need to be more thankful. I'm loved, just in ways and by those who I didn't expect. But isn't that how God chooses thing to go? When I'm weak, He is strong. I must be brought low in order for Him to be glorified. Otherwise I could take the credit. I'm not credit worthy. I didn't do this. I'm mourning when I should be rejoicing.

Feel

My heart broke. It wasn't anything some one did, it was what they didn't do. Silence filled the room. No offers for help. I was asking for help. My guard was up. I couldn't tell them how hurt I felt. The feeling continues throughout the night. Until it was done. I left more broken than when I arrived. What's wrong with this? What's wrong with me?

I know what's wrong with me. My heart is selfish. My heart wants to be worshiped, more than it wants other to worship God. My God how sinful am I? I am the other thief. Not the on who was justified. The other one. Unbelieving, self righteous know it all, that doesn't need anything from anyone. Until I want something from someone. Then I expect the impossible. I expect them to read my mind. To know how I feel. To know that those kinds of comments hurt.
How should I speak? How can I be more clear without being bluntly rude? I'm not sure. I'm not good with my words. I fake a smile rather than confront.
What's wrong with this? That I don't know. I know I don't feel safe anymore. Am I supposed to feel safe? I don't know. I feel broken, hurt, and weak.

Lost

Not the tv show LOST, the feeling. I might be just as confused as the ending of said show. My heart aches. I try to do much, and rely on the wrong things. My strength comes from The Lord, but it's hard to put everything out there. I'm taught to be self sufficient. That never turns out well. I've attempted to rely on others help and they fail. I'm not sure how I've made the decisions to reach out horizontally and know it will fail, when I know a vertical reach always leads me perfectly. I'm not ashamed of the friendships that I've made, but I am frustrated with them. I miss the old solid friendships that cost more gas. No really it's a money thing. I have tried to put myself out there for others and I can't not do that, but I must guard my heart. The lostness that I feel is more associated with an unreachable expectation I place on these others. They will never hold up to the bond created years ago. The timing is off, but mostly it's a personality glitch. It's just not a lost and found anymore. I'm lost, but I don't need to be found, I need a friend to be lost with me.